Kristen Sublette

“Loser- a person who fails frequently or is generally unsuccessful in life.”

I have been calling myself a loser for far too long. It is the word I use to hurt myself the most, to open old wounds, to rub the salt in.

Is it true? Am I really a loser? I’ve turned my entire life around for the better. I dream bigger and work harder than I ever have before. So why do I still wrestle with this five letter word?

L-O-S-E-R

The first reason in my life that triggered this identity was growing up. I grew up with parents that I loved deeply and they loved me but I was a difficult kid. We fought to the point of ruining our relationship for years to come. I made mistakes, typical mistakes adolescents make. I was self absorbed and I didn’t know how to communicate or deal with my emotions so I was mean to those closest to me. My parents made mistakes, I now know they were doing their best. They didn’t know any better either. I have worked through the past and now we have a great relationship, not perfect, but far better from when I was a teenager. I’ve dealt with my upbringing and lay it where it belongs, in my past. So I moved forward, having a great relationship with my parents. Was I really a loser for being a difficult kid? Did I lose anything here? Did this make me “unsuccessful” in life? I gained. I gained love and friendship with my parents. I’d call that a success.

The next reason comes from the lowest low in my life. I dated a man who was horrifically abusive, I had his child at the young age of 23. I was not ready for a baby, financially, mentally, or spiritually. This man dragged me so far down I believed myself to be broken beyond repair. I wanted to die. I was so alone and afraid. So unequipped to handle what had happened. So I did die. I died in the flames of the women I was, the person I could no longer be. A women without God, without purpose, without a future. Like a phoenix, I was reborn in the ashes. I was reborn in Christ, reborn with my family, reborn with myself. What could have broken me gave me a new life, a new path, a new future. I went to therapy and worked through the trauma, the PTSD, the terror evoking anxiety. I worked on myself and armed myself with knowledge. I learned about abuse, the signs of abuse, and how to stop another bad person from entering my life. Again, does this make me a loser? To fall for an evil man? Or did I learn from this mistake and create a better life not just for myself but for my son as well? This does not make me a loser. This makes me a winner.

My son is my biggest blessing, the whole reason I turned my life around. He is always a win in my book because he gave me the highest title of them all, Mom. I have felt the judgements of others for years, for being a young single mother and honestly, fuck those people. I love my son beyond reason. I provide the best I can, I strive for bigger and better not just for me, but for him. He is the reason I am relentless in the pursuit of my dreams.

Finally there is the biggest insecurity, the thing that follows me around and makes me feel like the biggest loser time and time again. I have been fired from or quit so many jobs. I am strong willed, I’ve always had an attitude, and I have a keen sense of how to do business. I think, and quite frankly know, that I can do better so I get myself fired or I drag up. I call it my, “Fuck you, Pay me,” attitude. I am so much like my father in this sense, I am an entrepreneur and I have always beat my own drum. All things I love about myself. Could my attitude be better through these many jobs? You bet, and over the years I have gotten better. Better at accepting the way others run their business, seeing my own behavior, taking criticism, and not interjecting my ideas.

I was fired from my parents company in 2018, I had worked for there for three years and on and off since I was in high school. It hurt me deeply and really put this loser mentality in my head. I wasn’t good enough for the job I wanted, the career I desired, the business I wanted to work for. This seeped into my career, afraid if I were to be myself it would ultimately get me fired. When I take a hard look at what was a huge loss for me at the time, the truth is, I was miserable, I hated doing admin work, sure I loved my parents and their company, but I did not enjoy the work I did or the people I worked under (who for the record were not my parents). I never would have moved on from that job on my own, it needed to happen. This put me on the path to go to college, it also made me laser focused on creating massive changes in my life. I worked hard at grooming and improving my skills and speed so much, it was a pivotal moment in my grooming career. This helped me get through college without loans. I enrolled in community college shortly after getting the boot and embarked on a new journey of finding my career. College did so much more for me than figuring out my career path. I learned and grew and found myself more in those four years than any other point in my life. I had incredible experiences from being with the rodeo team, working at The Ranch and Greeley Hat Works, making friends and memories with people I will never forget. When I was fired it made me driven, goal oriented, and forced me to dream bigger. A failure turned massive win.

Losing suddenly sounds a lot like the path to winning.

After graduation I was in hot pursuit of moving to Texas. I wanted it so badly, yet every pathway I explored was blocked. I turned my attention to God, wondering why this dream was on my heart and not working. That’s when I understood this dream was not meant for that moment. So I did what I had to do, I moved into my parents house until I could find a good job. Within a month I landed a position with one of my dream companies. I was over joyed. I buried myself in work, which eased the pain of feeling like a loser for being 30 and moving in with my parents. I think deep down I knew the job would never work but, dammit, I wanted it to. After January, when things slowed down and I could no longer bury myself under a mountain of work I had to face the job for what it was. I was a glorified secretary. Another admin job, nearly identical to the work I did before. Sure, my title was impressive, but I was completely unfulfilled. I set out looking for work, determined to find another job with an impressive title so my friends and family wouldn’t look at me as a loser. My negative attitude thrived as I went in to work day after day at a job that wasn’t working for me. Again, I was fired.

This is another God moment. I prayed and prayed for a new job, for change, but I wasn’t willing to take the leap of faith and quit, so God ran an interception. They say “God wrecks your plans before your plans wreck you.” I believe this to be true, although for the life of me I haven’t been able to figure out where this latest failure is leading me. I have been too embarrassed to tell my friends or family, except those I’m closest to. I have been ashamed to lose the fancy title. I feel even worse to be working at a company I worked at before college, still living with my parents and feeling rather lost about where to go next. Again, I call myself a loser. But really, what did I lose; a job that made me miserable? A job that did not push me, grow me, or strengthen me. I don’t think that’s really a loss, more like a gain.

Does living with my parents really make me a loser? Living with my parents has been a true blessing. I have been able to save and invest money, I have support when I need it, I come home to the people I love. My mother and I’s relationship has grown more this past year than any other. George has a close relationship with his grandparents and memories he will never forget. We have traveled together, celebrated, grieved, enjoyed family meals, cooked, giggled, teased, enjoyed a beverage (or two!), laughed, cried, and loved endlessly. George and I live comfortably, in a beautiful home. We have found community through church, school, and neighbors. It has been a great year full of many memories. I know I will always cherish this time with my family. I don’t think any of these things make me a loser. I’m not taking advantage of or being lazy by living with them. So maybe this loser belief really isn’t serving me.

Getting fired has opened up endless possibilities for my future. I can go where ever, do whatever and I have time to really sit and think about what I want next. I still want to move to Texas and with a little more savings, I can. I think the next step in my career might be starting my own business, what that looks like, I don’t know yet. But, I am excited to find out. So is this losing or winning?

I am excited. Excited to have time to figure out whats next, to be with my family for the Holidays, to be learning and growing in my career, to have time to work on myself. So did I really lose anything? Am I a loser? Am I failing and growing and learning and loving? Yes. Yes I am. I am a fucking winner because I never give up.

Losers give up, failures, get to choose between winning and losing. Failures hold all the power in their hands, it’s their choice what they do with their power.

I have never given up and I don’t plan to start anytime soon.